'Danger' on my Forehead

Because of my natural tendencies towards loyalty I should be required by law to wear a danger sign on my forehead. While much is to be said about the fruit of loyal leanings there is a downside to possessing such qualities.

I am not naturally open-minded, objective or (take note) 'wrong'. It only stands to reason that if I am to defend my chosen cause, I am not only going to be certain that it is worthy but that I am quite right about it all; for why else would I extend such a loyalty towards it? Objectivity will not be my strong suit since I don't find that helpful on the front lines of defense.

Without thought, I naturally demand loyalty of others - particularly those who love me. Unquestionably there is an additional perversity inherent in that because I also got it locked into my thinking that to love me is to agree with me. (That certainly made for an interesting first few years of marriage.)

I can laugh (somewhat sadly) at the above since the wrongness in this thinking and these approaches finally caught up with me, stared me back full force in the mirror and demanded radical changes in my heart. Nonetheless for a significant portion of time, they went by unnoticed, unidentified and in a fully destructive mode of operation.

The most pathetic demonstration of such folly was that it, at best, generated denial of truth and, at worst, forced obstruction of it. There could be no objectivity; I had to agree with the precepts of anyone or thing to whom I was loyal. And if in some deep recess of my mind I questioned, I had to find some way to agree and defend in spite of any inner doubt.

I look back now at years of ministry, and time and again confess, "I missed my cue." For anyone struggling through their personal call and commitment to ministry I was no safe place for a healthy working through. I was, instead, full of jabber - a 'clanging gong' of regurgitated doctrine. I refused to become vulnerable to the struggle or question at hand. Had I taken the risk and listened, then there is no doubt in my mind that the next step I should have taken was to speak up. I didn't. I was too intent on coming out on top myself.

I am fully aware that present regret does not undo the harm caused. Nonetheless, I do ask for forgiveness from those to whom I failed collectively and individually. I blew it. Full stop.

about covenants ...

It is my personal belief that vows, covenants and commitments reflect the quality of relationship. They identify the foundation upon which a relationship is built. An, "If you ... then I will" sort of process. I commit to this and you commit to that and on those identifiers we build our future interaction. While we may find the constraints of the agreement binding, a new freedom is discovered which is based in both trust and the terms of the agreement. Without mutual investment covenant relationships cannot exist nor survive. It is futile for a single party to try and make it work alone because a covenant defines relationship.

When that relationship fails, becomes abusive, unfaithful, one-sided or non-existent it is re-examined through the terms of the covenant and decisions are made. Forgiveness is key. Nonetheless forgiveness itself requires relationship. It is the Christ-centered response to repentance. While we can release wrongs that have been done to us and place them into the Lord's hands for whatever His vengeance might entail, it is my feeling that forgiveness is the grace extended towards, and dependent upon repentance.

When a relationship ends up one-sided I think we release wrongs done to us, quite frankly, because we have no spiritual grounds for which to hold onto them.

Whether the Lord ever intended for a covenant to identify a relationship between an individual and an organization/ministry, I sincerely don't know. I will say that, in my opinion for the said organization to refuse to identify or own up to its part of that covenant because it is between the individual and his/her God is as deplorable to me as any marriage partner refusing to fulfill their side of a nuptial agreement for the same.

Relationships are living dynamics, they twist and turn, adjust themselves and readjust themselves as each comes to a deeper understanding of who the other is. They are not stagnant. Working relationships call for effective communication and changes from both parties. There is no room for, "You joined me; I didn't join you." We joined each other and a successful relationship will require the contribution of both parties to reveal the new identity that comes through union.

Effective relationships do call for a form of resilience, an unconditional love that doesn't up and abandon at the first violation or the second or the third. It is exactly there that I struggle with the question, "At what point (if ever) does one abandon a covenant relationship?" To that, I doubt there is an absolute answer, a one-size-fits-all. I imagine it is individual, personal and between the individual and God.

I do feel that we can stay in an unhealthy relationship for all the wrong reasons and walk away for right ones. I think that many times I have fallen into the trap of the former when it comes to my personal call to ministry.